I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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