hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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