the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
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Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
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