There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize