he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
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she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
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Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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