I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
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