I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
Swine flu. Run for my life!
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am naked and annoyed.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
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