Dude my mom stole all your condoms
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
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The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
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FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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