I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
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