I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
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I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
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When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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