I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
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he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
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Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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