you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
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You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
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