That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
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I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
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You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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