i've decided that sluttiness is like a disease, it can lay dormant in you for years and then one day you go to college and with all the booze and drugs and boys and time on your hands symptoms begin to show then one day BAM you're a huge slut. it's like how izzie had skin cancer and it grew into brain cancer.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
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No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
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Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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