My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
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You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
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You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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