I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
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