Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
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And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
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