You're a womanizer and a bitch.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
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Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
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What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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