Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
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So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
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We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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