I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
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He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
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Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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