I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
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If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Send help, water and tortillas.
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Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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