You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
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I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
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I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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