Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize