I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
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Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
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Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
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