If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
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If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
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I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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