Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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