I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
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And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
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I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
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