I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
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Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
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Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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