my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
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So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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