Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
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I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
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She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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