If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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