I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
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She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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