i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
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He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
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It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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