I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
how drunk are you?
Several
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
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