when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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