his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I just gift wrapped bread.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
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My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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