watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
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I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
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I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
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