im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize