Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
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...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
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It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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