if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
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I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
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I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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