Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
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Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
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She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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