I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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