I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize