Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
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Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
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