the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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