I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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