Grow some girl-balls and come out already
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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