It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
They took my balls.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
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