Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
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I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
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I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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