my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
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...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
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We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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